Why Me?

I've been thinking quite a lot about my own personal responsibility lately.  What has happened in my life and the causes of it.  Good and bad.  They say hindsight is 20/20, but that saying forgets to tell that you a lot of personal introspection needs to happen in order for the lesson to be learned.

I think I'm finally getting to the point of being able to learn the lessons.

Like I have said in previous posts, I've had some colossal screw ups at times.  Most of them I've learned from, but some I left in the past hoping they would just go away.  They don't, trust me.  And you can't bury your head in the sand far enough to simply wait and hope for the best.  They catch up to eventually, at least that's what I've found out.

Now, some of these problems were not solely of my making.  Other people played a critical role in the failures.  But that doesn't matter.  You see, what I perceive as fairness has absolutely nothing to do with the solution to the problems I face.

I have looked at it and blamed others for their part in whatever has transpired.  I have talked about fairness and sharing responsibility until I was blue in the face.  But at the end of the day it is my responsibility to resolve the problems in my own life.  Doing anything else is just making an excuse for sympathy.

I think it's human nature to look for someone or something to blame for our failures.  I have done plenty of that.  Most of us really want to believe it is the fault of another, and that we are simply innocent victims.  On occasion, this is the case, but for most of us we are active participants in the screw up of our lives.

This is the lesson I am finally learning.  I have to keep my own house clean.  Blaming, or co blaming, someone else is nothing more than trying to avoid taking responsibility for my own actions.  The vast majority of these episodes in my life were, at least in part, due to decisions that I made.  Owning up to my own actions isn't easy, coming to the conclusion that I may have to make things right by my self is even harder.

In hind sight it seems like I became a spectator in the happenings of my own life.  I buried my head in the sand and hoped some unseen force would make it all go away.  When what I should have been doing was facing my problems head on and being proactive in those solutions.  I should have made the choice to make sure things were handled in my best interest.  If I would have done this, I would be in at least a different mental state than I have been for the last 5 years.  I think I would have felt more in control of my own life, and I would have moved forward toward a resolution far more quickly. 

This lesson has been hard for me, but I'm ready to move forward with the knowledge it gave me.