Conundrum

This whole supreme court nomination process has taken a horrible turn for the worse.  For all parties involved, more than likely.

Here we have a woman who has come forward with an accusation (I won't get into the second accusation.  Once you dig into that it has a whole lot of holes in the story).  Everything in the way she has acted to this point seems to follow the pattern of someone who has suffered a sexual assault.  Brett Cavanaugh is nominated, and in good conscience she submits a letter to her representative in congress that details out her experience.  Not the way I may have done it, but in todays political climate I can't blame her for choosing that route. 

The nominee denies it outright.  There is no evidence that someone could dig up from 36 years ago that would be credible.  The person who she said was there stated that he has no recollection of the event.  Women he has been associated with all his life, from romantic interests to co-workers, have come forward enmasse to state that he never acted that way towards them.  Ever.  So it comes down to a he said/she said.  Except we might get the chance to look them in the eye while they tell us the story.  Might.....

The real problem with this whole situation is that it's become political.  Both sides are playing with the MeToo movement on this one, and it's a really shitty thing to do.

The senator who received the letter waited 6 weeks to bring it up.  6 WEEKS.  Almost all the way through the confirmation process.  Why you ask?  Simple, they are stalling for time.  They are hoping that they come away with control of the house during the mid term elections.  Then they can pull the republicans game of stalling and not completing the process  until they get a nominee that they want.  So we had 6 weeks of time that went by and during that time nothing was investigated, and no questions were asked.  They waited until the time suited them best and dropped the bomb.

The republicans who are in charge of the committee are being just as hypocritical.  I know that time is supposedly short on this for them, but it's a nomination to the supreme court.  It's important, really important.  They are going to have a circus style hearing that will included testimony from both of them.  We all know where it's going to lead, and where it will end.  He will get the vote from the committee and it will move the the Senate.  And he will be confirmed.

The shame of it is we, as a people, should have demanded a closer look.  We should have expected that there would have been people who attended those schools during that time period to be interviewed.  We, no matter which side of the isle your on, should expect to be able to discern the truth.

I don't know if something happened or not.  I'm inclined to believe that something happened to that woman.  Her actions and reactions add up to someone who has experienced trauma.

But is that enough to ruin a mans career.  Have we jumped the shark so far that the accusation without any evidence is enough to convict a man in the  court of public opinion?

I guess we will find out soon enough.

A Debt

The older I get the more I lose my sense of ego.  I am having the privilege of becoming more humble as time goes on, and realizing that it is happening.  Which is a fascinating experience. 

In retrospect it seems that I owe a lot of people in my past a debt.  That debt can never be repaid, not in any currency anyway.  I owe them a debt of knowledge, growth, and self awareness.  Some of the lessons taught were harsh and some were kind.  All of them were necessary.

You see, I wouldn't be here today without them.  My life would have taken a very different path, of that I am sure.  Those lessons have become the foundation for my character and for who I still want to become in life. The people who supplied those lessons also supplied a snapshot of what those possibilities are.  Both good and bad.

So I paid attention to what the experiences taught me.  I continue to learn as I grow and mature.  The experience will always be the same, but the lesson will change with growth and time.

I have not always been ready for what I needed to be taught.  Time and retrospect allows me to learn even today. 

So to the people of my past, my sincerest thanks to you all.  Whether you were a friend or foe does not matter.  I took the experiences you provided and applied them to my life.  I learned from them.  And because of that I can move forward towards the man I want to be.

A little kindness

I just got some bad news over the weekend.  An incredibly kind person passed away.  She was 94.  I knew her and her husband 15 years ago in a tiny ghost town called Kilgore, Idaho.

It was January, and according to the locals, the worst winter anyone could remember.  It was 30 below zero every morning when we went to work, and on good days it got to minus 10.  There was 10 feet of snow on the ground.  Some mornings we had to use the truck exhaust to warm up the snow machines so they would start.  The job we were doing was crazy.  We tried to convince our client to hold off, but to no avail.  We shouldn't have been there.

But we were.  We were all pretty tough guys.  We'd spent a lot of time in the elements and had the right gear for the weather.  But nothing can prepare you for that grind of working 15 days straight in those conditions.  I didn't see the sun until the day we left and went home.  All of us had frostbite.  Pulled ribs, blown out knees, bad backs.  We were either breaking trail, or we were trying to snowshoe through rugged country.  Our bodies eventually had to give out.

The one bright spot in this adventure was that the two year round inhabitants of Kilgore took us under their wing.  An older couple who had lived and ranched in that valley for many years.  Their daughter lived one town over.  We got to know them all, even most of the people in the next town over.  They thought we were crazy.  And talk of crazy people spreads pretty quickly.

Those two showed us a kindness that seems to be disapearing today.  They took us in, looked out for us, and did their best to make sure we survived.  The didn't have to, but they were from a different era.  A different place in time and space.  I truly believe that we would never have been successful without them.  They always had a pot of coffee in the morning for us while we got ready.  They would call the road department to pull us out of the ditch if we didn't arrive by a certain time.  They made sure we all made it out of the back country every day.  They did their absolute best to help us nurse our wounds.

We knew they were beautiful souls, and that we were lucky to have that brief time with them.  Their kindness made us better, and made us want to be better.

He died of an accidental gun discharge on the ranch he loved.  We went to his funeral.

She died this last weekend of natural causes in the next town over.  With her daughter next to her.  I won't be able to go to hers.

Enough time has passed that my heart isn't broken, but I do feel a deep sadness.  They were extraordinary people, and my life has been better for knowing them.  Even for that short of a time.

Making Due

Sometimes you have to make due with what you have.  It may be harder, take longer and in general be a huge pain in the ass.  But there are going to be times in life when it is just going to be what it is.  And, to be totally honest, there isn't a damn thing  you can do about it.

I've been in that situation for a little while now.  I've had to learn the quirks and personalities of things that should not have an ounce of either.  But there I was, talking to inanimate objects like they could hear me.  If someone actually saw me they would have been tempted to call the authorities.  And off to the loony bin I would have went.  Oddly enough, those things could get the whole range of emotions out of me.  From rage to quiet resignation and everything in between.

But just recently I got an upgrade.  Not the one I really wanted, but one that would help considerably.  I was ecstatic.  Finally I wouldn't be banging my head against the wall.  Finally I had some new tech that would alleviate my frustration.  Or so I thought.

That's the funny part about mixing the old and the new.  The problems that I was having simply disappeared.  And for a brief moment all was right with the universe.  But then problems I could not have imagined started to pop up.  And I was straight back to talking like a mad man.  All I can say is thank god for youtube and message boards.  It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has these issues.  Oh, and now I can at least try a few things to regain my sanity.

I see the point in all of this of course.  Just because it's new doesn't mean that it's going to make everything better.  It's just new, not a magic wand.

I think this is where we get all wound up in our society.  We all want new.  Thinking that it will solve all of our problems.  We want the bright shiny penny.  But it really doesn't make a difference in the end.  New won't get rid of our problems.  It won't placate our demons.  It's just new.

So next time I'll have high hopes that new will be helpful.  But I'll check my enthusiasm with the knowledge that it may just be new problems. 

A busy summer

It's been a while since I posted.  Sorry about that.  Once again, the summer has flown by.  We seem to have been consumed with projects.  One right after the other with no time in between.  We did finally get to take a long weekend to the lake.  Which was just what we needed. 

The weird part about that is that we were stressing out about it leading up to the trip.  Getting ready, doing this and that, traveling.  My brain was lying to me and saying that it was to much trouble.  Funny, when we got there it was exactly the thing we needed.  We relaxed, if just for a few days.  We didn't work on projects.  We let you batteries recharge.

I needed it.  Life has been hectic.

I think we all suffer from the same thing every once in a while.  We get so wound up in what we are doing we forget to step back and give ourselves a little space.  We forget that life isn't all about work, sometimes it's simply about leaning back and enjoying the view. 

I need to work on that.  I need to be able to step back, look at my life as a whole, and see what's really important.  I get buried in what I'm doing, and that's not a good way to live life.  You need to have a balance where you can get into the weeds, but you can also step back and look up.  See the actual forest, not just the trees.

I think I've known this since I was young.  But it's easy to forget these things when you think life has to be a certain way.  When you see the image of what you are expected to be as a man, father, husband.  It's an image I only have for myself oddly enough.  Other people don't put those expectations on me.  I put them on myself.

I'm going to try to use this as a wake up call of sorts.  To give myself a little space to enjoy life a little more and try to worry a little less.  And to attempt to break the shackles of the expectations I put on myself as a younger man.

Maybe I can grow a little young again.

Street Corner Jesus

I think I’m getting grumpy in my old age.  At a minimum I’m getting a little less tolerant, that’s for sure.  I was driving around my small little town the other day and there must have been 5 pan handlers that I saw in different areas.  Mind you, my town is not very big.

Now, I don’t know these peoples stories.  They could be homeless.  The could be addicts.  I didn’t stop to ask.

What I do know is this, I work.  I work a lot of hours.  I spend a lot of time away from my family in order to provide for them.  And the older I get the more I realize what the actual cost of that is.  Not in dollars, but in time and memories.  Time I don’t get to spend with my wife and kids.  School functions I can’t attend.  Games I can’t go watch.  It’s the deal a lot of us have willingly made for my family.

I also pay my taxes.  And I know that there are services available to help people in need.  Not only through the government, but civic organizations and churches.  Places these people can go that really need the help.

There is a part of me that keeps saying I shouldn’t judge.  I don’t know their story.  But when you see the same guy standing on a corner for two weeks straight with a sign I have to start asking, why isn’t he supporting himself just like I do?  Where is his sense of personal responsibility?  Why should I support that person, who obviously has no desire to go out and support themselves?  If I hold myself to that standard then I should be able to hold them to it as well.

I know it’s not “Christian”.  Thou shalt not cast the first stone and judge not.  But at what point do I get to judge?  How many people get to stand on a street corner and play on peoples charity before we all say enough is enough?  How long will it be before we start telling people that they have to be productive, and there are no free rides?  I don’t know the answer to that.  But at some point we all have to expect a certain amount of personal responsibility out of each other.  We should all be striving to live up the expectations of our greatest self.

I believe we should always offer our hand to help someone up.  But we should do so with the expectation that they are striving to stand up and move forward, not sit back down and write another cardboard sign.

An Old Dog

Except for a few rare instances I’ve done just about everything I can do when it comes to my profession.  At least that is what I’ve thought for a while.  I’m coming to the grand conclusions that I may have been wrong about that.

Technology is advancing so quickly it’s getting harder and harder to keep up.  You figure out how to do something today, and tomorrow the procedure changes and your back to square one.  I guess that is part of what is so nice, and frustrating, about what I do.  The basic principles haven’t changed in a long time.  As a matter of fact, if you were inclined to do so, you could still do most of what I do with paper and pencil.  God forbid that should ever happen though.  It would take me forever to get anything done.

So it becomes a game of trying to at least stay on the curve when it comes to technology.  I’ve seen a lot of it come and go.  Some of it was good.  A lot of it was bad.  And it was all touted as being the end all, be all, for getting the job done.  “It will save you so much time you won’t believe it.”  And for the cost it better have.  Although, as we move ahead, the tech seems to be a lot more good than bad.  Even if it doesn’t play well with others at times.

So where does that leave me?  Watching a whole shitload of youtube videos, reading a whole bunch of message boards, and looking over product documentation.  All I can say about that is “thank god someone else screwed it up before I did and asked the manufacturer a question” and then posted it online.  A little trial and error goes a long way when all of the questions have already been asked.

I’m not complaining.  I could be stuck in some dead end job that requires no thought or creativity.  The day goes by a lot faster when I’m busy and being challenged.  It also has the added benefit of keeping me mentally sharp.

Who says an old dog can’t teach itself a few new tricks.

Wasting Time

I’ve stopped watching t.v.  It’s been a recent event, but it has been an eye opener for me.  I hate to think of all the wasted hours sitting in front of that thing, zoned out of my own life.  There has been a few things that I have notice during this last few weeks of not having my electronic babysitter in front of me.

First, I have a whole lot more time on my hands.  It’s the exact same amount of time I have always had, but my brain doesn’t get the chance to check out.  Hence, I get a whole lot of projects done, and I seem to have a lot more time to do things.  For example, I spent the entire day last Friday getting projects done.  When 8 p.m. rolled around I was not sure what the hell to do with myself.  I was contemplating going fishing, but it was getting dark.  

Second, I pay a lot more attention to my wife and kids.  At least it seems that way.  I play trivial pursuit with my 7 year old.  She reads the questions, with some help, and I try to answer them without using google.  We do it every night before bed.  She loves it, and lets be honest, my brain could use the workout.

I have wasted a lot of time in my life doing stupid things.  But most of those granted me a few memories at least.  T.V. never did that.  I can’t remember a single time that I have a memory of something on T.V., except possibly 9/11 or the Challenger tragedy.  But those two don’t count.

Maybe I’m starting to feel the clock ticking as I get older.  I don’t know.  I guess it really doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that I have recognized the fact that I can easily fall into that trap of wasting the time I do have.  I think I’ll continue down this road for a while, and see where I end up.

Time is a precious thing.  We only get so much of it.  It’s too bad it took me until 45 years old to realize that. 

Why Me?

I've been thinking quite a lot about my own personal responsibility lately.  What has happened in my life and the causes of it.  Good and bad.  They say hindsight is 20/20, but that saying forgets to tell that you a lot of personal introspection needs to happen in order for the lesson to be learned.

I think I'm finally getting to the point of being able to learn the lessons.

Like I have said in previous posts, I've had some colossal screw ups at times.  Most of them I've learned from, but some I left in the past hoping they would just go away.  They don't, trust me.  And you can't bury your head in the sand far enough to simply wait and hope for the best.  They catch up to eventually, at least that's what I've found out.

Now, some of these problems were not solely of my making.  Other people played a critical role in the failures.  But that doesn't matter.  You see, what I perceive as fairness has absolutely nothing to do with the solution to the problems I face.

I have looked at it and blamed others for their part in whatever has transpired.  I have talked about fairness and sharing responsibility until I was blue in the face.  But at the end of the day it is my responsibility to resolve the problems in my own life.  Doing anything else is just making an excuse for sympathy.

I think it's human nature to look for someone or something to blame for our failures.  I have done plenty of that.  Most of us really want to believe it is the fault of another, and that we are simply innocent victims.  On occasion, this is the case, but for most of us we are active participants in the screw up of our lives.

This is the lesson I am finally learning.  I have to keep my own house clean.  Blaming, or co blaming, someone else is nothing more than trying to avoid taking responsibility for my own actions.  The vast majority of these episodes in my life were, at least in part, due to decisions that I made.  Owning up to my own actions isn't easy, coming to the conclusion that I may have to make things right by my self is even harder.

In hind sight it seems like I became a spectator in the happenings of my own life.  I buried my head in the sand and hoped some unseen force would make it all go away.  When what I should have been doing was facing my problems head on and being proactive in those solutions.  I should have made the choice to make sure things were handled in my best interest.  If I would have done this, I would be in at least a different mental state than I have been for the last 5 years.  I think I would have felt more in control of my own life, and I would have moved forward toward a resolution far more quickly. 

This lesson has been hard for me, but I'm ready to move forward with the knowledge it gave me.

Courage

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts recently.  One that had Dakota Meyers on it was incredibly hard to listen to.  If you haven't read up on what happened that day, then I would recommend doing that.  His actions were heroic, and the failure of leadership of the people who were commanding the operation was sickening.  He saved a lot of lives that day, and according to him it was the biggest failure of his life.  His team died.  He still hasn't forgiven himself for it.

The macho side of me, at least when I was younger, would have defined this as true courage.  Now, I am coming to realize that there are a lot of different kinds of courage.

Just this week I saw a woman on 60 minutes who is dying of cancer.  She is a successful attorney, a mother, a wife, an immigrant, and pretty damned courageous if you ask me.  Five years ago she was diagnosed with colon cancer, which has around a 90 percent mortality rate in the first five years.  She beat that, but she won't beat cancer.  It has spread and is terminal now.  This woman has 2 young children, and she hasn't held anything back when it comes to her own mortality.  Can you imaging telling your kids that you are dying?  I can't.  How the hell could I tell my seven and twelve year olds that I won't be around for all of those great moments in their lives.  What could I say to them?  What wisdom could I pass on in that short amount of time?  That woman has done one of the hardest things I can imagine, and she did it with grace. 

I have some friends from the past who have had addiction issues.  I still see them, and they are in treatment.  I know they are in a program, and they are trying to get better.  That takes courage.  It takes courage to leave behind all of those friends who they used to use with.  It takes courage to completely change your life and start over.  And it takes a lot of courage to face people you know and admit where you are and what you have done.  I know quite a few people like this and have a huge amount of respect for them. 

Finally, and this one might be a bit touchy, I think all of those kids that walked out of school today have courage.  You can say what you want about it, but at the end of the day it was massive validation of democracy and what our founding fathers thought was important.  YES, I saw all of the comments about this.  It's a political stunt, it's just for show, someone put them up to it!!!!  So what?  It takes courage to stand up for what you believe, even if others don't share the same viewpoint of values.  Will what they believe change over time?  Absolutely, and it should.  But we should be glad that they are willing to stand up and say what they think.  In a few years they will be voting, or serving in our military, or getting a higher education, or entering the workforce.  We should be glad that those kids are getting the opportunity to do this, because our future will depend on them have the courage to stand and do what they think is right. 

There has been a few times in my life when courage was necessary.  I can't say that every time that happened that I rose to the occasion, which haunts me to this day.  What I can tell you is that I am still learning about life, and happiness, and courage.  And I hope that never stops.

The Value of Life

I have thought about this for quite some time now.  And I keep coming back to an inarguable truth.  We don't value life.  Not at all.  We value the life that is in our tribe/family.  But we, as a species, have no real regard for life.

It may come from the fact that we have fought since we first learned to walk.  There has never been a time in recorded history where there wasn't conflict and death.  I'd like to think that we can blame it on how our DNA is coded, but that is a half truth at best.

I know that there are going to be a lot of you that are going to say I'm wrong.  All I can say to you is that history is on my side.  If you don't want to admit it and argue, that's fine.  Before we do that, lets look at a couple of facts.


Between Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria there have been over half a million deaths of civilians.  Half a Million.  And that seems to be on the low end.  That number shocks most of us when we hear it, but it does nothing to make us get involved.  We just continue on our merry way.

Over one third of the population of our country is pre-diabetic.  A condition that will lead to diabetes that is completely preventable.  ONE THIRD.  Yet we refuse to do anything about that.  Right now Diabetes kills around 80,000 people a year in this country, and that is set to sky rocket.  Yet we don't do anything about it.  We don't hold anyone accountable, do we?  Between the sugar and processed food industries, and a total lack of personal responsibility we are heading down a road that will make the costs of the Iraq and Afghan war seem like chump change.

I can keep going if I need to.  Heart Disease, Smoking, Opiate Overdose, Hospital Errors, Gun Violence, Human Trafficking.....All are mostly preventable.

But we can't come together as a group and say enough is enough.  We can't come together as people and say we are going to put the resources forward to fix just one of these problems.  Why?  I go back to my original argument that we don't value life.  Of I should say, we value life less than a myriad of other things.  We value what's in our close proximity, but outside of that all bets are off.

I truly believe that if we all sat down in front of each other and started talking about the things that are important to us we would find that we have a lot in common.  We would find that we all value the lives of our families and friends, and that we don't want them to die.  I wish we could translate that to a global scale and start saving each other from our human nature.

Integrity

Integrity matters.  Maybe not to some people, to some it may seem like a quaint and antiquated idea.  But to a lot of us it still matters, and we will base our decisions and our lives around it.

I see our kids being fed a diet of information that seems to be exclusive of integrity.  Everything is all good as long as you make the money, or your famous, or you get whatever you want for nothing.  What happened to work?  What happened to making your own way?  What happened to believing that you were in charge of your own pursuit of happiness?


Until recently I believed that there was integrity in all of us.  But I was proven wrong, and for whatever reason this is really disturbing to me.  I know that we all are living within a circumstance that we have created but I could not fathom the distance between my values and those of others.  I do now.

I have seen what people will do when faced with a choice that may be difficult, or affect the life they are living.  I've seen that some people don't want challenge, struggle, or personal growth.  Some people want to live in the glass house they have built, and simply can't believe it when a stone shatters it.  They will make choices that fly in the face of the morals and ethics they espouse every day.  Burying their head in the sand and hoping for the best, instead of taking command of their own life and moving forward with dignity.

I shouldn't judge them, but I am.  And maybe that is what I am struggling with.  That there are people on this planet that would sacrifice every friend, cohort, and compatriot the second thing start to be difficult.  And to try to drag those same people into that swirling void of morality with them. 

Maybe my expectations are to high, I don't know.  But I think I have the right to have expectations of people that come into my life.  Or I have the right to not have those people in my life.

Which is the current situation I am in.  I am leaving my work.  Not because of the money, or benefits, or certain persons I work with.  But because of a complete and utter lack of what I define as Integrity.  Because the upper level people in this organization show a compete and utter lack of respect, and caring, for the amazing people that are working for them. 

I may be delusional about this.  The world may have moved on.  But I don't think so.  I don't think it's unreasonable in life to expect the best out of others.  And I believe that the best exists within all of us.  We just have to make sure we are always in a place to let it come out.

What Ifs

So the Florida school shooting is unfolding a little more each day.  Now we know that there were a lot of failures that led up to this.  The FBI was warned and did nothing.  Heck, that information didn't even make it to the local field office.  The local police had visited his home multiple times for complaints about his behavior. The threat from this young man was openly known to say the least.

Now we find out the armed school resource officer didn't go into the building when shot rang out.  We also know that there were other deputies arrived and didn't go into the building.  These deputies failed in their duties.  The core tenet of their job is to serve and protect, and they didn't get 50% of that statement done.  Could they have made a difference?  Could they have saved lives if they went in at the first sound of gunfire?  Maybe, maybe not.  We will never know.  What I will say is that I can't judge these men.  I've never been shot at.  I'll defer to those who have to make that judgement.

Back to the point of this post.  Nothing that I've said above made a difference.  It's all just finger pointing and fake outrage.  "If these people would have done their job then none of this would have happened." All of those dead kids and teachers won't come back because of "could of, should have, would have". 

This is the way we choose to deal with things.  We place blame.  We blame the gun.  We blame the shooter.  We blame the systems that failed.  Unfortunately none of this gets us any closer to a solution to keep these tragedies from happening again.  It's no wonder we lose interest in these things after such a small amount of time.  All we get is confusing information about what could have been, not what it is.

So now what?  Do we provide better training for law enforcement?  Do we arm teachers?  Do we ban scary looking guns?  Do we fund better mental health and tie that back into background checks for gun purchases?

I don't know the answers to that.  What I do know is that, at some point, things will change.  For better or for worse.  And we had better get off our collective asses and get involved in the conversation.

If we don't, then we, and our values, will surely be left behind.

The BS

Do you know what I've seen this week?  A whole lot of bullshit.  I see it in my facebook feed, I see it in the news, I hear it coming from peoples mouths.  And I can't believe everyone is willing to post this crap, or believe it, without once looking to see if it's right or wrong.

There were a couple of really good ones I keep seeing everywhere.  One is that there have been 18 school shootings this year.  The other is that school shootings just started in the last 30 years.  Both are absolute bullshit.  There have not been 18 school shootings of the kind we saw in Florida this year already.  And 52 years ago Charles Whitman stood on top of a tower and the University of Texas and killed 14 people and wounded a whole lot more.

So why lie?  What put a bunch of false, or at best partially true, information out there?  I'm guessing it's because there is a whole lot of power and money involved on both sides.  And the more they get us worked up and fighting with each other the more money they make.  Just look at the numbers.  If people even start talking about gun control then guess what happens.  Guns start flying off the shelf.  NRA membership sky rockets.  Money flows into Washington by lobbyists on both sides.  It's a vicious cycle.

Exactly how are we supposed to have a real conversation about this when all we get is half truths, or flat out lies.  How can we hope to fix this if we all aren't talking about what the same thing?  If we are cherry picking the facts to suit our personal beliefs, then where does that leave us?  We need to accept that fact that we are right and wrong, all at the same time.  We need to check our egos and beliefs at the door, and really listen to each other.  It really is that simple.  It's the base from where we can all start to really talk about solutions.

I have kids in school.  I can't imagine what those families are going through.  Burying their kids, fathers, friends.  I sure as hell don't wish that on anyone.  Including myself.

Another Shooting

Another school.  17 people, as of now, dead.

I've seen all the headlines.  I've checked on facebook.  I know that the lines have been drawn.  Hell, I know which side most of my friends will choose.

You'll either be on the side of no more AR-15 type assault weapons.  Or on the side of it's a mental health crisis and that has nothing to do with law abiding gun owner.

Both are true.  And both are completely bullshit.

An AR-15 is nothing more than a semi-automatic rifle that is spruced up to look like the military version.  You can do just as much damage with any semi-automatic firearm.  The only difference would be the look.  There are currently more than 100 million guns and over a trillion rounds of ammunition in private hands.  The genie is out of the bottle, and unless you start raiding homes like a police state, there is no way to get it put it back in.  And any politician or public personality that says anything about confiscation is pandering, because they know it won't happen.  Not for a long time. 

And for all of us saying it's a mental health issue, you're absolutely right.  The shooter in Florida was adopted.  He lost his adopted father in 2004 and lost his mother last November.  He and his sibling were living with friends.  Oh, and as icing on the cake, he was put on meds to help him cope.  Do you really think that kid was evil?  I can't say that for certain, but he was dealt a bad hand from the start.  He had more trauma in his young life than most.  Is that an excuse?  No.  Because a lot of people have trauma and don't shoot up schools.  I don't know, maybe he wanted to feel like God for a moment.  At least what he thought God feels like.

So where does that leave us?  Unfortunately I think it leaves us in the same place we've been after every one of these.  People are going to try to use this to push their own agenda.  Someone will call for more gun control.  The NRA will scream about the constitution.  Same old same old.


If it really is about mental health, then why isn't the NRA putting out grants to put counselors back in schools?  Or supporting programs to help young men who are troubled.  Why aren't we doing anything but screaming about our rights?  What about the rights of those dead kids and their families?  I didn't pull the trigger, but I sure as hell haven't done anything to try to fix this.

We gun owners had better start having a conversation about this, and we had better start bringing solutions to the table.  If we don't, then someone who doesn't share our values about firearms will.  And when that happens, at some point, our voices will be drown out.

What you wish for

Not to long ago I wrote a post about turning 45 and feeling like I'm running short on time.  In that same post, I was commenting about how I shouldn't complain.  Good job, etc.  Not long after that I was talking to my wife about how my office wasn't getting support from our main headquarters and I remember saying that a few different things could happen.  We would be successful and they would be forced to support us or they would fire us.

Well guess what.  There was a third option.  We started being successful, and they called us and told us they were shutting the office down. 

Be careful what you put out there folks.  Of course my wife was not shocked.  At all.  She just said "Well you did put it out there"

So now what?  No idea.  I have plenty of options.  But I'm back to what do I want to do.  And I still really don't have an answer.  Luckily for me I have some time to sort it out.  It's not like they locked the door and  changed the keys on us.  I still have about a month and a half of work left before they formally close our office.

In my younger years I would probably have freaked out at this.  But I haven't.  Maybe it's because I'm confident in my ability to get work if I need it.  But I don't seem to have that gut wrenching fear of what will happen to us.

This just happened yesterday, so maybe it hasn't hit me yet.  But to be honest it feels pretty liberating.  Like I'm standing in a room and there's a million doors standing open.  I just have to walk through one and see where it takes me.  I could do a complete 180 on my career right now, and still be fine.

So once again, what's next?  No idea.  I have some opportunities I'm looking into, but nothing solid yet.  I guess I'll see what the universe brings to my door.  I know whatever it is, I'll have to work for it. 

I'll keep my eyes and my heart open.  My next great thing is coming next, I just need to recognize it when it gets here.

Change

I heard someone say, and I'm paraphrasing here, "If you want your life to change, then you have to let you life change."  That seems really obvious when you read it.  But practical application of that, at least for me, seems to be a little tricky.

I expanded on that thought a little more just for myself.  I added the following at the end.  "You can't fear change that you've asked for."

What that means, at least to me is, that fear is holding me back.  The "What ifs" are shackles.  What if it fails, what if it's stupid, what if I'm just being a jackass.

I'm absolutely positive that a multitude of opportunities have passed right on by me.  Some of them I realized were actually really good ideas and possibilities.  Do you know how many I've acted on?  Almost none.

I can sit here and say I wasn't ready.  I can sit here and say it wasn't the right opportunity.  Both of those are flat out lies.  The truth would be that I never really tried.  Whether I let the opportunities go because of fear, or laziness, or a multitude of other reasons, take your pick.

None of the excuses I make up matter.  I can say whatever I want to appease my conscience.  But the truth is I that I have had a multitude of opportunities and did nothing.  I could have put some effort into seeing if they could become a reality.  But I didn't.

You see, I got comfortable. I quit pushing myself.  I can blame fear, but why?  It's just another excuse.  The fact is, my brain routinely betrays me.  It thinks I'm doing just fine.  It's comfortable.

So now, I need to make a change.  I need to explore a few opportunities that have come my way.  I have to look at myself, and tell that part of my brain to shut up.  I need to go out and start pushing myself again. 

If I want change then I have to let change happen every time I get the opportunity.